I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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