You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
