she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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