Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
