put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
