Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
