i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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