dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
