Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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