doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
