it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
as a side note pls kill me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
