he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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