It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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