Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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