good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
