Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
