She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
