Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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