No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
