he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
