When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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