Redeem this text for a blowjob
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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