just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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