I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
