I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
