The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
