my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
