Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
