I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
