I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
