I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize