Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
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