Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
