I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
