hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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