i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
