On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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