having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There's always time for handjobs
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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