Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
