I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
