thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
