I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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