I could make wine with my vomit
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
