Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
did i walk over a car last night?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize