Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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