I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize