I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
