The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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