Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
