I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
