I can text with my tongue
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
