yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
