There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
