shes about as inviting as chlamydia
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
