Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
