sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
