This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
