Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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