So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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