You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
