i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize