I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My bed smells like the plague
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
