True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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