just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize