I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
