Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
