We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
